Thursday, February 26, 2009

I just don't see it

I just don't see it anymore. I don't even remember when I stopped seeing it; it's like it just happened.

I still see it in adults. I'm not sure why. But in children? I don't see it at all. I searched for it in Kiki's face today when it struck me that I couldn't see it anymore, and I didn't see it there.

I have this newsfeed to the right over there. It looks for articles on Ds. Lately so many of those articles have been about the new prenatal testing for Ds, and while I try to be positive about that, it sort of irks me. I mean the tone of them -- "Ooo! New exciting science stuff! So that all you preggers wimmin won't have ANY MORE excuses about checking to see if your fetus is broken!"

It makes me think about all the women who decide they'd rather not have a baby who has Ds. It makes me think of all the people who would choose not to have Kiki in their lives based on a cold piece of scientific result, without ever even taking the time to look at her, bask in her smile, play with her.

It breaks my heart.

Now look at this article. Look at the pictures. Do you see it?

Like I said, I just don't see it anymore. And I think as Kiki gets older, I'll stop seeing it altogether. Which makes me incredibly happy, because I'm so tired of the shallow bits of me.

Edited to add: Felt compelled to mention I'm not morally or ethically opposed to abortion in general. I feel compassion for women whose first reaction would be, "Oh my God, I won't be able to handle this!" I was one of them once -- but it turned out I was wrong, very wrong. And I'm not an exceptional person by any means.

I just feel a little queasy about the idea of the social pressure, the medical pressure out there on women to abort their "less-than-perfect" fetuses. Who gets to decide what less than perfect means? I thought Nazism was out of vogue?

And when I say it breaks my heart, I mean that personally, it breaks my heart that anyone -- not to mention an organized group, a multinational group of intellectually elite, government funded to boot -- would look at my daughter, my wonderful gorgeous brilliant daughter who every day amazes me, that something so awesome could come from my imperfect being -- would look at her and only think of her as a broken person.


Michelle February 26, 2009 at 11:58 AM  

I don't see it anymore - ALTHOUGH, sometimes I see it through other people's eyes, and that always surprises me. Like when other people realize she has DS, I'm always a little surprised, like - oh yeah, that's old news.

Those pics were beautiful!

starr February 27, 2009 at 5:11 AM  

I know what you mean. I go in and out of seeing it but it's no different than seeing any other personal characteristics- they recede and then emerge. As for the testing issue- I'm in the either you want the baby or not category. I'm all for choice but I never bothered with amnio since I set out to get pregnant and have a baby and what's the choice then? It's not like if there is no medical issue at birth you are guaranteed a non-traumatic possibility- I just don't get it really, but that's just me.

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