Big Girl

I am now addicted to big girl pajamas. Not for me, not as in Big Girl; but for Kiki as in not sleepers.

She now has ballerina pjs, Disney Princesses pjs (that she got for her birthday), and Spongebob Squarepants pjs (which came with 2 tops!)

Kiki herself doesn't seem to care what she's wearing, but as long as Mama's happy, everybody's happy.

Kiki started sleeping in her crib in her own room when she was 6 months old, so about 6 months ago (give or take). I'm not sure when I started her bedtime routine as it stands today, but it's become timeless in an odd way, as if we've always done this, and always will.

She's not much of a cuddler during the day. She wants to go, go, go all the time, and time spent in someone's lap means lost time that could be spent trying to climb into the entertainment center or behind Daddy's computer where he hides his coveted earphones.

But at night, just before bedtime, if I'm sitting in the rocker, she settles in (usually -- there are always exceptions), and gazes intently up at me while I sing to her. I sing the same songs every night, in the same order. I sing "My Favorite Things" because it reminds me of my Oma and Opa. Then I sing "Amazing Grace" because it reminds me of Aunt Agnes. And then I sing "Hush Little Baby" because it reminds me of Grandma. And I end with "Mary Had A Little Lamb" for no other reason than it appears to be her favorite. If I leave it off, she will not sleep.

Before I sing the songs, I go over the day's events with her. Sometimes between songs, I'll tell her a story about me or someone in the family. Or I'll tell her a fairy tale (a broken fairy tale, most generally, because I can never remember how those things go) or a fable (see fairy tale) or a mytho (I'm actually pretty good at those, even though she seems wholly unimpressed by my Greek prowess.)

Sometimes while I sing, she'll vocalize along with me, not really singing, not really in beat, but participating in a way. But mostly, she keeps her eyes on me, sometimes smiling or giggling but usually just watching, watching, until her eyes start to close.

It occurred to me the other night how big she's getting. I used to be able to cradle her in my arms. Now she rests in my lap, her legs dangling over mine, her head still rested in the crook of my arm. She's becoming less baby, more little girl, and it seems like it's happening overnight.

I know that one day soon I'll have to adjust the bedtime routine, maybe introduce a nighttime book instead of lullabies, maybe decrease the pre-bed cuddle time to more like 5 minutes instead of 30.

But I also know that these baby girl days are numbered, and someday all I'll have is memories of them, as I watch her grow more and more independent and self-sufficient. And so I say, screw it. I'm making the most of it while I can, and I will milk every last second of bedtime cuddles that I can, while I can.

Putting

So the OT came by today, and now we have strict orders to teach Kiki to put. Put! Put! Put!

Okay, not necessarily strict strict, but she pointed out that until Kiki can put, she can't move on to doing puzzles, stacking things, etc. etc. So we are at an impasse.

On the plus side, Kiki was extremely friendly and even allowed the OT to cuddle and love on her. She's becoming lovey-dovey! Yay!

Also have to work on the pinch.

She clapped once this morning with her own hands! Couldn't get her to do it again, but it did happen. Usually what she does is grabs for our hands and claps our hands together. She bangs toys together with wild abandon -- in fact, sometimes she gets quite irritable if she can't find two toys to bang together. The clapping itself, however -- well.

Well, we have a month to impress the OT. I know she can do it!!!

Picnics and such

We went to the DSGO picnic this last weekend and had a blast! I haven't been to any meetings or get-togethers or playdates or anything since the ONE time I went to a meeting, so it was good to see everyone again. Everyone is so nice in the group, and I'm glad Kipp finally met them.

He was kind of leery of a "support group" for DS parents, but it's more a social arena, where they group together to share educational resources et al. Plus, other babies for Kiki to play with. How can you go wrong?

Now all I have to do is actually make phone calls and playdates. Because I SUCK at socializing. I really, really do.

Anyway, we went to Bri's soccer game, then the picnic, then hung out with friends later that evening. All in all, great weekend!

So my brother-in-law introduced me to Bud Lite with Clamato in it. It sells in 24-oz bottles and tastes yummy. So I decide since we're hanging out with friends that THAT shall be my drink of choice.

Here's the thing about my liquor metabolism. I can drink Crown straight all night and catch and maintain a nice buzz with absolutely no ill effects the next day. I cannot, however, catch a buzz off beer, and one beer alone is likely to make me sick all the next day.

Want to guess what happened after I drank 4 24-oz Bud Lites with Clamato? No buzz, sick as a dog, and also -- bonus!!! -- heartburn. Yay! yeesh.

Still, if it's just one, I still think it's yummy.

Somehow I inherited a food trait from my Mom. As long as I can remember, if she ever discovered a recipe that was a huge success, she would cook it two or three times a week, or more, until someone complained that it was getting a little old. And then? She would never make it again.

Evidently I do this. I didn't even realize until Kipp mentioned it the other day. Oops.

The thing is, I could eat the same thing EVERY day and not get bored with it for months. Cereal for breakfast, grilled cheese with tomato soup for lunch, and chicken casserole for dinner, and I'm good to go forever. Kipp? Not so much. If we have the same kind of meat more than 3 times in one week, regardless how it's prepared, he sighs.

This makes me nervous now that Kiki is eating grown-up food. Right now she's an awesome eater, and I don't want to ruin that by boring her with food. On the other hand, I have no culinary imagination and even less time to muck with it. All I know is that it's important to give her fruit once a day (more than that and she gets a rash) and vegetables twice a day (less than that and she gets constipated) and at least one snack a day (less than that and she's not getting enough calories.)

It's too much pressure. Honestly.

And I'm constantly worrying that she's not eating enough at each meal. Normally people stop eating when they are full. I do not know when Kiki is full. I have yet to see her stop eating. I've settled for measuring out to feeding her a little less than the amount that makes her puke.

Sometimes she will cry and fuss when she's full, even though she will keep opening her mouth for more. This makes a confusing message for Mommy. And almost always, if she's had at least a little bit to eat, she won't complain of hunger for hours -- so again, I can't tell if she's had enough or too much or just enough. I go with just trusting my intuition, and so far this seems to be working, although it's needed quite a bit of adjusting along the way.

I put an eye patch over her good eye today for a few hours because I started to worry that her crossed eye had stopped responding to stimulus. On the plus side, she can obviously still see out of her bad eye -- the patch didn't slow her down an iota. On the negative side, I'm not sure it was the right thing to do... her eye remained looking squarely at the bridge of her nose, and she had to turn her head to look around.

I mean I knew that putting the patch on her eye wasn't going to straighten out the other one -- that's what surgery is for, and besides how much impact can only 3 hours have? -- but I think I had hopes for something that didn't quite pan out right. I'm happy she can still see out of her eye; that means her brain hasn't turned it off. And that's my goal for now -- to keep that eye on until her next appointment in June.

Percentiles

Kiki had her 1-year checkup last week. She's still off the charts on the DS growth chart, so she's still being charted on the regular kids' chart. Compared to other girls her age, she's no longer in the 50th percentile for height and weight... if I were the perfect mother, I'd have the numbers memorized, but I'm too lazy to even get up, find the paperwork, and look it up. Heh!

Anyway, she's dropped a little on the weight curve, although she's still progressing nicely along the height curve. The doc says the weight thing is to be expected, since she's now more active (and how!) than she has been before.

And since she's turned 1, she's off the formula and on whole milk and real food. I constantly question whether I'm giving her enough food. I know I give her healthy stuff -- I haven't bought prepackaged food for her (other than snacks like dried fruit or cereal) since she was about 8 months old.

Bragging rights to this home-cooked food-eating baby diet took a nosedive this week though...

During her 1-year visit, she had to get her chicken pox and MMR immunizations, and for the first time, she cried when she got her shots. So we got her ice cream afterwards. And then the next day, they had to draw blood for lead panels and thyroid panels and whatnot, and they took it from her arm, and she BAWLED, so on the way home, I bought her her very first Happy Meal. Hey, she can afford the extra calories. And she looooooooooooooves chocolate milk.

And tonight, she's spending the night away from home, so I broke down and bought her Gerber toddler meals, one for lunch and one for dinner. I don't feel too terrible about that actually, since I made up for it by making Malt O'Meal muffins for breakfast.

And they taste pretty good, too, if I do say so myself. :)

Kiki's Birthday Footage

Nobody can say this kid has an eating problem....

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Putting on the Ritz!

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where Kiki sits?

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I forgot...

Note the new links on the right there. One is to Flourish, a new web site community for parents of children with disabilities. The other is a video interview about research on Down Syndrome, hosted on Flourish.

Go check it out! I'm excited to finally be able to share its existence with everyone!

Done waiting!

I've been putting off blogging until I have actual video to demonstrate, but it's taking me FOREVER to get to that video processing stuff, so the heck with it. Gah!

First, her birthday was a roaring success! Bri and I made 2 dozen cupcakes, then Bri and Kipp arranged them in the shape of Pooh. (Sort of... it was cute. I have pics of that!) Then we sang Happy Birthday to Kiki, sat her in her high chair, and put a cupcake in front of her.

Now I've heard stories about kids at the 1st birthdays having no interest at all in their cake. No such problem with Miss Kiki. She smashed her hand down into the frosting, squealed with delight, then attempted to squash the entire cupcake into her mouth.

It was a mess. Note to parents planning their baby's first birthday party: pick a cake type that matches the color of the carpet. I meant to give her a carrot cake cupcake, but she ended up with a chocolate one. And after most of a cupcake and cup of milk, she puked in the livingroom. We do not have chocolate colored carpet.

And since then she's been leapfrogging through milestones. She started waving one day, the same day she started dancing. Now she dances almost any time she hears music. There are one or two tunes that she simply cannot resist. It's like she's wearing magic dancing shoes. After making her dance over and over for 2 hours straight, we almost felt like we were torturing her. But it's so damned cute!

She's also started to show an interest in trying to pull herself up onto her feet. And today, she started crawling -- actual crawling, not the military maneuver!! She's not clapping, but she'll bang toys together, and if she's holding onto someone's thumbs she'll do the whole Pat A Cake thing.

I have so much video, and not enough time. It's annoying.

But it has a been a very busy month for Miss Kiki. I'm sooo proud of her and can't wait to show off for her PT!

17,000

Great. GREAT. 17,000 words a day. Good LORD. You know, I keep telling myself to daydream out loud when we're in the car together, and I can't even do THAT.



That's it. I am on a crusade. It begins tomorrow.

(It would begin today but she's already asleep. Hey, does subliminal monologue count?)

Kids' TV

I've been watching a lot of Nickleodeon lately, and I've decided Dora the Explorer makes me nervous.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great that there are still kids' tv shows striving to teach their junior audiences some Spanish. I applaud the imaginative presentation of different geographical types to stimulate young minds into making up their own games of exploration into jungles and swamps and rainforests and whatnot.

It's even quite fascinating that she feels the need to traverse those places even though she's fully aware that they're all inhabited by ravenous crocodiles, rabid squirrels, flesh-eating spiders, and Rodents of Unusual Size. Run from those cheetahs in your imaginatation games! I know I did when I was a kid! (Actually, I was always the cheetah.)

The only thing is, I'm not quite comfortable with my daughter picking up the belief that with a pocketful of cookies, a half-hearted Hokey Pokey move, and a goofy song of one word is somehow arsenal enough to save her from being devoured (or worse) by the diverse collection of deadly beasties she's certain to encounter.

What do they expect from me? That I have time in my day to counter every episode of Dora the Explora with an episode of Bindy the Jungle Girl? My God, I've never even watched Bindy the Jungle Girl. What if she expresses the same devil may care attitude about wild critters? Where do I find the time to research what show will counter Dora's daft teaching about how to deal with wild animals? And then what show do I use to counter whatever goofy flaw that show will have?

Will my daughter end up watching tv 24/7? Will I turn into one of those parents I used to laugh at, who writes stiffly irritated letters to network execs complaining that their program selection smells ever so slightly of devil worship?

Tune in tomorrow for another thrilling episode of....

Countdown... 4 more days....

It's hard to believe it's almost been a year! It seems like it's been a long year, that Kiki's been in our lives forever, and at the same time... a year? Already? What?

There's a buzz on the 'Net about Roadmap to Holland. Obviously, I must get my hands on this book.

I used to be an avid reader. I used to tear through books like nobody's business. In the last few years or so, I've dwindled down to about 2 or 3 books a year. Kipp, on the other hand, reads a new book every week. I've always been far more interested in fiction than nonfiction, but as I get older, the nonfiction motivates me more to read than the fiction does.

I must be getting old.

Today I caught Kiki practicing how to wave. She'd raise both arms in the air, then she would wave her left hand around (she's left-handed.) She was doing it all day. When I'd see her, I'd say, "Wave, Kiki!" and I'd wave back at her. She would laugh and wave at me.

Of course, when Daddy came home, she wouldn't do it anymore. It's like she won't demonstrate it to anyone until she's sure the skill is ready for prime-time.

I've taught her how to high-five and low-five, though. And if I let her hold my pinkies, she actually brings her hands together like she's clapping, so I think that's a skill on the way.

This week I've started telling her Greek mythos for bedtime stories. I started with Demeter/Persephone because it's always been my favorite. I was pretty impressed that I remembered the entire Parthenon. Isn't that odd? I can't seem to remember a fairy tale all the way through, but a Greek myth? Not a problem.

Now Aesop's Fables, I will need a book for, I'm sure. How many of those can anyone remember? I recall the tortoise and the hare; the boy who cried wolf; the baby and the bathwater; the satyr and the woodsman; the hawk and the tortoise. And -- that would be it, I believe. There's another one teasing around the edges of my mind, but I can't put my finger on it.

As for the actual morals that go with the fables? Umm. Slow and steady wins the race. Don't cry wolf. Don't promise what you won't deliver. Be consistent. Don't envy the world of another? Honestly, that last one should simply be, "Don't trust a freaking hawk, dumbass."

More Firsts

Tonight, Kiki had her first spaghetti dinner. I let her hand-feed some of it herself, and there was spaghetti EVERYWHERE. It was damned fun for both of us!

Yesterday, we went to Bri's first soccer game of the season. It was COLD, dammit. Well, the wind was cold anyway. I kept Kiki under my coat for a lot of it, though I admit it was a lot to keep ME warm. She didn't seem to have a problem with the temperature at all, though she kept squinting with the wind and the sun.

And of course, I ended up bundling her up under blankets in her stroller, where she napped peacefully the last 15 or 20 minutes of the game.

Bri's team lost by one goal, but they played well. We joked about Bri actually running this season (she's not very big on exerting herself.) She did great, actually got the ball a couple of times, and dribbled -- is that the right term? -- around the field really well.

I also finally had to replace my phone. It was 3 years old, and it had finally gotten to the point where I couldn't hear anyone unless it was on speaker phone, which meant that the people on the other end couldn't hear ME clearly. So I upgraded for free (I'm cheap) to a Razr (yay!) and now thanks to friends, a day later I have a killer ton of ring tones and am in cell phone heaven.

My computer, of course, has suddenly decided that whatever Bluetooth device it once had is no longer functional. I've had the computer for 2 years now, and the weekend I actually have some use for its Bluetooth functionality, it plays dumb on me. It figures.

When we were getting the phone, the saleslady leaned over the counter to smile and coo and wave at Kiki, who smiled back. "She's so cute!" the lady said, and I thanked her. We get much attention when we're out with Kiki, which of course makes me all poofy with pride and what not. Because she IS cute. She's freaking ADORABLE!

The lady went on to say, "God always finds the best parents to bless with a special child." It took a couple of beats for this to register, and by then she was continuing to tell about her grandson, who is autistic and learning disabled, and who is graduating from high school this year.

As always, I mulled this over later -- I'm a muller; I don't as a rule respond immediately to things. I know that Kiki as some facial characteristics that are recognizable for her Downs, but it doesn't register with me anymore, at least not like it used to. I think in the back of my head, I'd somehow convinced myself that no one else notices it either, that when they approach and compliment her, they're complimenting a beautiful baby, not a beautiful Downs baby, if that makes any sense.

And the other thing is this: I realized it doesn't bother me. It wasn't in the least bit of offensive; and in fact, I think she felt comfortable broaching the subject because of her experience with her grandson. It's something we immediately had in common, something we could talk about, like if two strangers wearing a jersey advertising the same sports team run into each other in the store and start talking about sports.

My mom was telling me today that she was talking to her cousin, to whom I send pictures every month, and Mom mentioned something about Kiki having Downs. I've actually never made it a point to tell many people; I've actually told none of my friends in California except for Yarnhacker, and I send many of them pics every month as well. And I've told nobody in the family except for Mom and both my Dads, and my step-mom, and I think my cousin. Mom's told my uncle, but that's about everyone who actually knows. And no one has ever asked me about it; and I'm not outwardly naive enough to think it's because they haven't noticed the characteristics; it's because they're afraid if they ask, it would offend.

Anyway, the point is, Mom mentioned it and Bon said she had wondered about that; she'd never said anything and wouldn't ask, but had suspected. (It then became a discussion about what Downs is, and Mom's rendition of that conversation is pretty amusing, but I will leave it for another entry.)

I can see if Kiki didn't have Downs, but still looked like she does, and I was as ignorant as I was before she was born, I would probably be put off if someone were to ask if she had Downs. But what I love? Is all the people who tell me what a beautiful and cute baby she is, and how genuine that is (because it is unarguably true). And I think, if in the back of their heads they're wondering if she has Downs but are afraid to ask, I think they're beautiful people and I love them and here's why.

Because they see the beauty in her FIRST, and they respond to that. And it strengthens me to know how many of those people there are in the world.

I think maybe I'm losing my cynicism.

Oh! I almost forgot the last story, which is funny, but almost at Kipp's expense. Poor Daddy. Anyway, I was carrying Kiki in from the car and as we passed Kipp, he leans in and says, "Kiki, want to give Daddy a kiss?"

And she said, "Nuh," and whipped her head around in the opposite direction with absolute authoritay.

After lunch and a nap, Kipp was playing with her. I was in the kitchen cleaning up, and Kipp started laughing and called me in. "Watch this!" he said. And she leaned forward, like she does when we play the Nose Bump-Beep game, but instead of bumping noses, she kissed him on the lips (well, she's not actually puckering and it's a pretty wet, slobbery affair, but it counts, right?) over and over and over.

I think she felt guilty about snubbing him before.

First Birthday Present

Kiki received her first birthday gift the other day. It came from Grandma, and it's this activity center that starts out as a floor toy, then you put it on a pedestal for sitting/kneeling height, then add another post to make it a standing toy. Right now I'm working on getting her to kneel, because she has no interest in standing AT ALL. (sigh)



Just the other day I bragged about the child having the patience of a saint, so of course she has immediately decided the finger food method of eating? Is too frustrating to continue. She still starts off trying, then she cries, then she cocks her head to the side and bats her eyelashes at me in the hopes that I'll be her hands for her.

I wish I could say I do not cave. But I don't feed it to her... when she does this, I just take away the finger food altogether, and finish up with her sippy cup. I'm not sure this is the right technique, but frustration isn't going to teach her anything either, right?

I wish she had come with a manual sometimes.

Being Friendly

So we went to Mamaw and Papaw's house yesterday for a belated Easter with family. I couldn't help but dress Kiki up a little bit take some pics with her and her first Easter basket (filled with candy Mom is gonna eat.)



She was a little fussy before we left, so I was worried that it was going to be yet another day where she cried the whole time. She doesn't seem to like their house; even I can't comfort her when we're there.

This time, I carried her in, without the carrier, let everyone say hi to her while I was holding her. She smiled at everyone -- she's beginning to do this now, instead of crying at people then turning to laugh at me -- and then I plopped her on the floor and surrounded her with her toys. Kipp and I took turns lying there with her for a little bit, and then?

She had a GREAT time! And everyone got to play with her a little bit without her pitching a fit. And for once I got to socialize with the adults. And it ROCKED!

The surprises didn't end there. At dinner time, we set up her high chair near the table. I made her a little puree of Easter dinner -- Papaw's famous green beans, and I put a little lamb in 'em to boot. Then I put little pieces of potato, lamb, and croissant on her high chair, with no real expectation that she'd be interested in it. She had never picked up Cheerios or those little toddler puffs off her tray before. But lately, I've been giving her baby crackers and teething biscuits every day, so she could at least practice feeding herself with big things.

Surprise!! She went to town on those little bits of food, getting all of it into her mouth! And she LOVED Papaw's beans (who doesn't?)

Anyway, all in all, a FABULOUS day. Yay!!

This morning, high on the success of last night's dinner, I put some puffs on her tray, and she ate 'em all, all by herself. Yay! The OT is gonna be so proud!

Speaking of which, when the OT was last here, she pulled out a stacking toy, the kind with the pole and the rings that go on it from big to small. Anyway, I went out and bought one and started working with Kiki on taking off and putting on. We got to the point where she was regularly taking the top one, the orange one, off with relatively no trouble.

So of course we have to show off for Daddy. I coached her and coached her, shooing away the dogs who were distracting her, telling her, "Kiki, take the orange ring off. The orange ring, Kiki." I'd take it off, show her, put it back on, and she just wasn't interested. Finally, I sighed, orange ring in hand, and told Kipp, "She was doing it before..." and before I could finish my sentence, she reaches over and pulls off the blue ring.

So, you know, I think she gets it.

Spring is in the air (finally!)

Just a quick break from the article so we can celebrate the sunshine! It's in short supply around here lately. For instance? Today it got up to the high 70's, was sunny, gorgeous, beautiful... and tonight, it is storming. Thunder. Lightning. Hard rain. Hopefully, the river will not flood again.

Sunshine! And Kiki's first swing!



Being the newbie mom I am, I forgot to put sunscreen in the diaper bag (it is in there now and will stay there until the end of time.) Being Missouri and March, her worst enemy anyway was the wind. So she got a little windburn, but it didn't seem to bother her, and it cleared up within an hour or so.

I started feeding her bites off my plate sometime last week, and now no one can eat in front of her without having to share. She sits with the dogs on the floor, and gives us pathetic, begging looks that completely outshine the efforts of the dogs.

The dogs are not amused.

Discussion of an article part 2

Moving on to the rest of the article. I aim to finish what I started!! Although days later, I'm not feeling quite so intense about it.

But, parents of children with special needs have been observed to be less responsive than are parents of children without special needs (Mahoney & Powell, 1988). Parental responsiveness and sensitivity are necessary to promote secure attachment among children with special needs (Atkinson et al., 1999; Clements & Barnett, 2002).

This was actually one of (many) fears I had when I was still pregnant and even a few months into Kiki's life, that I would remain emotionally detached from her. In retrospect, I think that was due to me not knowing what to expect from her in terms of emotional connection and attachment. It's not a mature reaction in any sense, but in some way I was afraid to get attached until I could be sure she was capable of becoming attached to me.

The same research that identifies increased stress and symptoms among such parents finds that the majority appears to cope well with these added demands, and remains relatively resilient. Many parents raising children with chronic health conditions and developmental disabilities report high satisfaction and enjoyment of their role.

Now I could list all kinds of weird, ignorant things I was afraid of even after Kiki was born. One day I cried all day because I was afraid she wouldn't develop a personality (she was exactly 2 and a half weeks old at that time.)

Some of the things I remember that went through my head while I was pregnant and while Kiki was newly born make me wince in shame when I remember them and some just make me laugh out loud. The fact is, as Kiki grew, and I spent time with her, it happened just like everyone assured me it would: we developed a very normal, natural mother/child bond that has grown stronger every day.

And personality? Oh. My. God. This is a child who, in my arms, will start to cry if a stranger approaches her and tells her how cute she is, then turn to face me and start giggling maniacally. She's fine with cuddling, as long as it's on her terms, and when she's done, she will let you know without a DOUBT that she wants DOWN NOW. She resists our efforts to coach her arms and hands into positions to do the things we want her to learn, but is quick as lightning when it comes to grabbing the things she wants, like our glasses.

As Yarnhacker puts it, the child is diabolical, and if we were to put our two daughters in the same room, they may just successfully plot to take over the world.

Crap, this will have to wait... she's learned just now how to climb over her barricdes and she's about to eat my power cord.

(All quotes taken from "Building New Dreams: Supporting Parents' Adaptation to Their Children With Special Needs", Douglas Barnett, PhD; Melissa Clements, PhD; Melissa Kaplan-Estrin, PhD; Janice Fialka, MSW, ACSW)

Discussion of an article part 1

So I'm planning to break this down into separate blogs, because I want to really delve into this. Consider it online therapy. I know, I'm not a celebrity going through rehab, so I don't make great reality tv, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want here.

We define adaptation as an ongoing process whereby parents are able to sensitively read and respond to their child’s signals in a manner conducive to healthy development.

First I want to point out that I'm no longer obsessing about any perceived attachment disorder. Really. I'll go into the reasons for another day, but honestly, I'm cool. She's cool. We're all cool.

The reason I included the above quote is because, well, I honestly believe I am able to sensitively read and respond to Kiki's signals. I know when she's hungry; I feed her. I know when she's tired; I cuddle her and put her to bed. I know when she's hurt; I comfort her. I know when she wants to be cuddled; I cuddle her. I know when she just wants to play; I get on the floor and play with her. I know when she's scared, or uncomfortable, or in pain, or just grumpy and unsettled. I can't tell you exactly if it's her facial expression, or the time of day, or the particular tone of her cry. I just know.

Reading this introduction and knowing what I know about my connection with my daughter buoyed my confidence in ways I can't even begin to describe. I've even decided that I need to repeat these things to myself in a daily mantra so that I remember to believe in my intuition and our connection.

Families with children who have special needs also experience more marital conflict and are less likely to be able to rely on prior social supports, as friends and family members are often unsure of how to help and may avoid becoming involved altogether (Powers, 1993; Speltz et al., 1990).

Our marriage, I am happy to say, has never been stronger. Kipp and I have always presented a united front on parenthood, and the addition of Kiki to our family hasn't changed that. Kipp keeps me balanced and sane, as well, constantly telling me that I'm a great mother, that Kiki's an amazing baby, how lucky we are to have her, and that we were destined somehow to be the family we are.

Now in respect to that last part, Kipp isn't really a big believer in fate or that kind of thing, yet on this particular point he feels quite passionate. I think that means something profound right there.

That's the plus side.

On the not so plus side. And I hesitate to get into this because I think it's a serious allegation to make, especially if you know (like I do) that no one will admit to it being an element in events at all. I want to say right up front that what I'm about to say is NOT any statement of fact in regards to other people's motivations or thought processes; it is only a reflection of what I suspect.

To begin with, I moved here from the west coast about three years ago. My closest friends live in California and Canada and my closest childhood friend lives in Kansas. I trust them all with every fiber of my being, and this doesn't apply to them at all.

In any case, over the course of the year I got pregnant, Kipp and I made some friends who we considered very close, a group of about seven other couples and ourselves. Now it was one of those Queen Bee dynamics, where everyone pretty much was a satellite of only one couple, which is an odd dynamic that I've honestly never been part of before. But that's really neither here nor there.

Anyway, during my entire pregnancy, we became closer and closer to the people in the group, to some people more than others. When Kiki was diagnosed, the support of the group was amazing. Everyone assured me that Kiki would be surrounded by love and support by all of them, and we were all family, etc. etc.

It's important to note that all but one of these couples had children, and that our older children were already part of that children's group. So we could hang with the adults, while the gang of kids did their own thing (supervised by an absolutely amazing babysitter who was the daughter of one of the couples in our group.) The ages of the group ranged from about 2 years old to the babysitter who was 16.

Emotional and hormonal that I was, depressed by the news of Kiki's condition, this group was an absolute life-saver. I felt hope in that Kiki would be extremely socialized, as we were in the habit of getting together with this group of adults and kids 1 to 2 times a week, and not just with adults, but with other children. I'd ready studies that showed that babies developed faster when surrounded by older children that they could learn from and mimic, and it thrilled me that we had this environment promised to her.

Then Kiki was born. I took her to visit the Queen Bee a couple of times and to see another woman in the group a couple of times. The latter woman I felt a particlar affinity to because her career dealt with care of disabled children, and I believed of anyone I knew, she would be particularly sensitive to my particular needs in the support area. We went to one group get together after Kiki was born.

And then two months after Kiki was born, we were booted from the group. And because it was a Queen Bee dynamic, we subsequently lost everyone else as well.

Now there was a major overlying event that initiated this that had nothing to do with Kiki, and we were one of four couples booted from the group within a six-month period following that. And at first I was so overwhelmed by the loss of everything I had depended on with that group that it didn't occur to me that any part of it could be related to Kiki.

But then I read a blog written by parents of a child with Down Syndrome where they had experienced something along the same lines, but had actually overheard some of their friends talking about their discomfort around the parents and the child because of the child's condition.

Reading that actually froze me in my tracks, and made me begin to wonder. Again, I can't make an actual accusation, but in my gut? I wonder.

We stayed close to the other refugees, as it turned out, and kept our amazing babysitter. As time has gone on, we have built a whole new support group, and have even better, closer, more supportive friends, and all of them adore Kiki, and none of them are in the least bit discomfitted by the situation. So we landed on our feet, and all is good, and there's no Queen Bee dynamic.

But there's not the same frequency of getting together, and there's no basic foundation of children as there was in the previous group. Which has simply prompted me to seek other avenues to pursue playdates and whatnot, so again, I am not defeated, per se.

Still, it took me a long time to recover emotionally from all of that. And in the process, we've become alienated from my brother-in-law and his wife, with whom we previously had been rather close.

Along the lines of family support, my own family doesn't live anywhere close. My mom is as supportive as she can be, but she's not here, and sometimes that depresses me. I've never been extremely close to my father, but I suspect -- and again, I may be totally selling him short -- that he's somewhat unsettled by Kiki's condition, and probably enjoys his position of distance, where he can enjoy that he's a grandpa without dealing with the reality of it.

My parents-in-law are fabulous and I love them to death and they dote on Kiki. However, we don't see them very often, and when she started making strange and she didn't get over it quickly, it's made them nervous to be around her.

Which, by the way, prompted this whole obsession with attachment. My mother-in-law, bless her heart, I know is trying to rationalize why Kiki is not warming up to her as quickly as we all want her to. Now I know a large part of it is due to the fact that whenever she sees them, it's at their house, and Kiki for some reason is not happy in their house. I know it's particular to their house because even I can't comfort her there, and I can comfort her anywhere.

The solution to the problem would be to see them more often, to have them come visit Kiki on her own turf until she's committed them to memory. However, this has yet to happen. My mother-in-law is not particularly healthy, and she rarely feels like getting out of the house, and my father-in-law is extremely busy with work and community work.

So in the end, I know my mother-in-law is bothered by Kiki's seeming rejection, and I know she's trying to rationalize what's going on. That's what prompted her to come to the conclusion that the reason Kiki is so insecure around other people, and so dependent on me, must be directly related to her Down Syndrome.

I can't find any proof of that. And anyway, I know my daughter. And I know she's actually fine with people she doesn't know as long as her exposure to them takes place within certain parameters. And I know she's not actually rejecting anyone; she's just going through a normal and necessary phase of development where she's learning object permanence and how to distinguish people from one another.

And noticeable attachment to a primary caregiver? Very good thing.

I shouldn't be as sensitive about this, I know, and I know I tend to blow things all out of proportion (who? me?) But sometimes it's just frustrating. I know what I want for my child; I know what I want to provide for her. But the people outside my control, I can't control, and it frustrates me no end.

(All quotes taken from "Building New Dreams: Supporting Parents' Adaptation to Their Children With Special Needs", Douglas Barnett, PhD; Melissa Clements, PhD; Melissa Kaplan-Estrin, PhD; Janice Fialka, MSW, ACSW)

Subtle Lines

I'm very open here about Kiki having DS, and I'm not shy about discussing it here. But in everyday life, I'm kind of sensitive about it. I don't want to draw attention to her disability; I don't want to draw attention to myself as the parent of a child with a disability. If we garner attention, I want it to be because she's so damned cute, people can't help but notice her.

I'm sensitive about the idea that I'm trying to court pity or sympathy with people if I bring it up or if I discuss it and the insecurities it brings up in me. I don't want pity. I don't even want to be set aside in a separate category of parenthood; even just writing "parent of a child with a disability" it sounds foreign to me, clunky, unwelcome, like it may describe someone else, but it definitely doesn't apply to me.

I'm sure this is more commonly referred to as "denial."

But I really do believe that I'm no different than any other new parent. So when I read things that are all supportive and fluffily reverent of parents of disabled children, it makes me nervous. I know on some abstract, gray level they're talking about me -- not specifically of course, but that I'm included in this morbid generality -- and I try to look at our situation through that filter, and I think, "This must mean that somewhere down the road, life is really going to fucking suck."

Because right now, in all honesty, life -- barring the day to day annoyances like finances, weather, in-laws, work, etc. -- life is so beyond more fabulous than I've ever imagined.

Life with Kiki is more glorious than I've ever imagined life with a baby would be, and I'll tell you, I have a fantastic imagination.

I won't at the moment go into WHY I spent tonight scouring through the internet for anything related to DS, separation anxiety, and ultimately attachment disorders, but to cut to the chase, I found this article http://depts.washington.edu/isei/iyc/barnett_16_3.pdf. It's REALLY long, and turns out I think to be something specific to a support group, but the first few pages that I read made me go, "Hmmm." Because I did recgonize myself, for the first time, in their description of a parent of a disabled child. And in some strangely indefinable way, it reached a part of me I didn't know was there, and it made me cry.

How many times have I written that now in this blog? Maybe if I keep writing it, it'll sink in. But it's just a label, in the end, and doesn't adequately describe or represent anything in my life.

I'll go more into detail later. For now, it's late, and I still have work and not enough time at the moment to indulge myself in philosophy.

Sweet Tooth

In celebration of her new tooth, I gave her a teething biscuit. She went to town on it, and I had to use a hose to clean up afterwards.



She was obviously fascinated by her tooth, too, as evidenced by how she fell asleep Friday afternoon, the day it popped through.



See? She's pointing to it in her sleep.

It appears there's another one coming through right next to it. Today she's running a fever, and she's PISSED OFF because I won't cuddle her all day. I need batteries for the swing, or as I am calling it this week, the Surrogate Mommy.

Well that explains everything.

So this last week, my perfect baby has been cranky and demanding. Mind you, I'm spoiled rotten by her, so her 5-minute tantrums 3 or 4 times a day have been VERY draining on me. I know. Pity me.

And my dog, my usually laid-back, sleeping from dusk to dawn anywhere near me dog, has just been PACING around her. Pace, pace, pace. Hover. Pace. Whine. Pace, hover. Check her out. Pace, pace, hover. ARRRGH. It's been making me INSANE.

Now, Kiki has not been feeling well. She has yet another ear infection, or the last on never really went away, and now she's on a different antibiotic that turns her poop blood-red. (Nifty, huh? You think you can handle any kind of poop that comes out of your baby after 11 months of training, and then you get RED poop. It's boggling.) So I kind of figured she just was sick-cranky.

And the dog, I figured the dog was developing some kind of maternal bond for the baby, and being concerned about the baby not feeling well.

It turns out I was mostly wrong on both counts.

Friday morning, when Kiki grabbed my hair and chomped on my chin, which is one of her favorite pastimes now, it HURT. The little vampire had sprouted a tooth OVERNIGHT. It's her front bottom tooth, and it hits the soft flabby stuff under my chin juuuuuust perfectly when she chomps for her entertainment.

Yay, tooth!! And ouch. I am a weenie when it comes to pain.

And the dog? Protective? No. The dog has figured out that if she is closer to the baby than I am, then she can clean up the baby's spitup before I can get there. Lovely.

So much for having a supernatural diagnostic sense. I guess I'm just normal after all.

How can this be comfortable?

This? Is how my baby sleeps.

Bonding

Last night I finally bit the bullet and attended the monthly meeting of our local DS parents' group. I took Kiki with me on the off chance that there might be other babies her age to play with.

Score! There was a little girl about 18 months old there in the day care room. I plopped Kiki in front of her on the floor. They stared at me; they stared at each other. Then they both leaned forward in slow motion and grabbed each others' noses.

Kiki was so engrossed in the new toys and little people her own size that she didn't even notice me leaving. The woman in charge assured me that if Kiki started crying, they would bring her to me.

Sure enough, about an hour and a half later, I hear an approaching cry. You know, I kind of assumed all babies sound alike when they cry. But I recognized Kiki immediately. I jumped up and made it to the door before they did! And of course, the minute she was in my arms, she was immediately smiles and giggles. The little monster.

But she did so good! One and a half hours in the care of strangers without incident! So I will continue to go to these monthly meetings. The information itself was great, and networking with other adults is always a good thing, but the socialization with other babies? Priceless.

And of course, I used the opportunity to aggressively pursue play dates. I collected numbers and names and all that. Because I am a pit bull mom or something.

We set therapy goals today for Kiki. She'll be starting occupational therapy pretty quick here. In the meantime, we're working on her tracking and passing smaller objects from hand to hand. I'm trying to encourage her to take things out of things and put them back into things. So far she just thinks it's fun to hear me cheer when she accidentally drops a ball into a cup.

She picked up a new game really fast. I pressed her nose with my nose and said "beeeep" like maybe twice, and now she does it. She'll lean forward and press her nose against mine or Kipp's as long as we'll "beeeep" for her.

And to truly prove she got the point of the game? Today during speech therapy, Ms. A put a large mirror in front of her on the floor. She said babies, when first introduced to mirror play, will generally just reach out for the mirror and touch at it.

Kiki scooted right up to it, grinned, and pressed her nose against it. "Beeeep!" I said immediately, because I am as trained as they come, and she giggled and did it again. And again. And again.

I think I'm on to something here. I'm not sure how to incorporate it into teaching her other things, but.... I think I'm on to something.

Updates et al

Oh how winter sucketh.

So last week, I took a friend and her daughter out on an errand, and while I was playing with Kiki in the waiting room, I noted some dried discharge on the outside of her ear. Not earwax; it had obviously been thinner before it had dried. So I immediately called the doctor and took her in the next day. Her ears are STILL too small for the doc to get a good look inside, but she got a good enough look to note that yes, Virginia, there was drainage. Welcome to another round of amoxycillin, her second in 3 months. Is that bad? I honestly don't know.

Then a weekend of breatkthroughs! In one day, she started smacking her lips -- if she just vocalized behind it, she'd be making "mamama" or "bababa" sounds. And she's mimicking what Kipp does: if he dances, she dances. If he smacks, she smacks. It's awesome!! For me? She smiles. Or giggles. I can't really complain about that in all good conscience, but darn it.

And then Monday, we all took sick. Tuesday, I was completely winded, and ended up at Urgent Care. I'm much better now, but it's taken a couple of days of Kipp pretty much taking a couple days off work just to take care of me, the baby, and all else. Which makes him appreciate me all the more, of ocurse.

Today, she had her first eye appointment. She has nystagmus, which we knew. It seems to me to much less pronounced and less fast than it was when we first noticed it, and the doc thinks it's possible it might self-correct. The cross-eyed part though will probably require surgery -- 20 minute outpatient surgery -- when she's older. For the moment, no need for glasses, but eventually -- well, Kipp and I are both near-sighted, and evidently people with Downs have a propensity for near-sightedness anyhow, so... foregone conclusion.

Tomorrow, she has an occupational therapy evaluation. The running joke is, "Do you really think she's old enough to work?" Heh. And no. Fine motor skills, people, fine motor skills.

I'm starting to work with her on the skill of putting her toys in a basket, as well as introducing her to books. Well, the book thing is planned today. I have strategically planted a fuzzy book in her play space, and we shall see how she reacts to it.

And that's the news for today!

Pictures Due

I have to pull out the camera and take some shots of her 10th month before it's all over! Ack!

We have been taking videos. I have this dream project in mind. In light of my previous history littered with unfinished projects, I can't promise it'll ever be done, especially not by the due date I've set for myself, but a girl can dream.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, we'd primarily juggled Kiki from the playpen to the exersaucer to the swing to a lap and repeat. Now we've added the floor to the mix. Of course, as with everything, I make a huge production out of it by putting out a sheet, and blocking off all exits and the entertainment center with pillows, then dumping out a basket of her toys onto the floor. By the time the ritual is complete, Kiki is beside herself with excitement -- yeah, she's figured out that it means MORE FREEDOM!

She's still not crawling, but she does the military thing where she drags herself along on her belly. And she's an absolute champ at moving into a sitting position, and she gets into a crawling position like nobody's business, and rocks back and forth like she's going to take off. Only when she does.... she drops to her belly first.

The best thing about the floor, I think, is that now she has access to the dogs. They tend to pick out a piece of floor and lie there watching her until she gets close enough to reach out for them. Then they lick her hand, sniff her face, maybe let her pat their fur, then they get up and move to the other end of the living room. It's awesome motivation to keep her moving. We've got great dogs.

She's starting to make "meh-meh-meh" sounds, usually right when she's about to fall asleep from fussing. Like, umm, right now, in fact.

We've been Ferberizing her. Is that the right term? Where you put them to bed and let them cry themselves to sleep? She only starting crying when we put her to bed about a month ago. It is HARD to do dammit.

Okay gotta run.... she's throwing a fit.

Mea Culpa

Under pressure from husband and friends, I hereby publicly announce that yeah, okay, I'm actually not a Bad Mom. Are y'all happy now? Sheesh!

I do get hard on myself, I know it. Kipp gets the brunt of it. Honestly when I go public with being a Bad Mom, I'm not even in a bad space; I'm actually poking fun at myself.

I know I'm not UberMom, but nobody is. Hey, I try! And I have self-esteem problems, and I'm scared to death of failing my kids. It all adds up. But in all honesty, I know I don't utterly suck. I have my positive attributes.

I have approached UberMom though in that I've begun feeding Kiki fresh fruits and vegetables instead of the Gerber stuff. Go me!! It actually doesn't even take that much time to do. I thought it would be all time-consuming and stuff, but in light of everything else? Not so much.

Okay. Enough about me.

Kiki's making strides again. She seems to go through spurts of sudden milestones, then cools her jets for a while in preparation for the next bundle. I'm so proud of her! And of myself that I'm proud of her accomplishments instead of continuing to focus on what she's not doing yet. Oh, I still have my moments, but they're getting fewer and fewer, thank God.

So now it's bragging time!

She's actually moving herself into a sitting position all by herself now! She's still not sitting straight up without assistance, but she's getting there. The PT is happy because she's not pushing herself up from a full splits position, like many Downs babies do, due to their hyperextendability. Instead, she gets on all fours, then extends a leg out to the side, then sort of pushes back onto her butt. She's getting pretty good at it too.

And she's handling chunkier food better now too, and even starting to make chewing motions, instead of just pushing it around with her tongue. And every now and then, we catch her babbling a couple of consonants. We're always going "ba ba ba, da da da, ma ma ma" in her face, so of course she prefers to say things like "ga ga", "pa pa," and "ja ja" just to be persnickety.

She's really interacting with all of her toys now, and is reaching for everything. She doesn't sit quietly in our laps anymore; she's constantly trying to escape and explore. She's absolutely fascinated by the dogs, particularly Sugar. If she's on the floor and Sugar comes to check her out, Kiki often will scoot over to her and then fall on Sugar's back in a half-crawl tackle. She's already pulled ears and tail, and Sugar, bless her heart, is completely tolerant of all of it.

And that is our update for the week. Happy February, everybody!

Dilemma of the Day

The dilemma of the day is whether or not to cut Kiki some bangs. I'm on the fence; Kipp is definitely against it.

It must be a mommy thing. You know, the whole, "Get your hair out of your face. I can't see your beautiful eyes," line everyone's mom throws at them while they're growing up.

I'm always blowing her hair out of her face, or brushing it to the side. But invariably, it falls back over her eyes, hanging down to her nose. That combined with the fuzzy mess in the back of her head which never smooths out no matter how many times a day I run a comb through it makes her look like her mama never attends to her hygenic needs.

Yep, it all comes back to being all about ME.

She's gotten over her nasty little cold, thank GOD. Her 9-month check up showed her still on a great growth curve, though she's fallen behind on length a little bit (now 30th percentile.) And now I think she's going through a growth spurt -- eating like a machine and sleeping the day away.

So when I was a younger woman and dreamed of having kids, I always imagined myself as some kind of ubermom. You know, using cloth diapers, making baby food from scratch, the works. I obviously thought I'd somehow give birth in a world made up of 38-hour days and unlimited amounts of energy.

Anyway, I bring this up because this week? I made her vegetables! Myself! Me and my food processor! I was so proud. And she ate 'em without choking too.

And I've started her on yogurt. The yogurt is a MUCH bigger hit than cottage cheese was, let me tell you.

I can't believe it's February already. Is time speeding up or what?

All in Good Time

I think I used to be one of those types of people that found humor in everything. I mean, I'd be all bitter and bitch about stuff, but I'd be bitter in a funny way by making jokes about it and whatnot. This is either what I recall or what I want to recall. Whatever. All I know is that in the last few months I have been unrelentingly grumbly, and there ain't nothing funny about it, goddammit.

But this is not the place for that. This is the place for Kiki news.

The news on Kiki: She has RSV. And croup. At the same time. I want to feel so sorry for myself for not having slept since Sunday night, but it's hard to concentrate on a good, cathartic self-pity party (without booze and) when there's typically happy happy happy baby who now is just a puddle of snot and miserable.

Her eyes are all red and swollen and weepy, her snot factory is on full-tilt like there's some snot shortage in the northwest that MUST be FILLED by MIDNIGHT by God! and she rattles and snorts and whistles and toots like a miniature carbon-based choo-choo train.

She's on prednisone; mommy's always and forever wiping her nose; and she's getting albuterol treatments every 4 hours. This is a fed-up baby.

But the most heart-breaking thing is that in the middle of a screaming good cry, wherein she's letting us know EXACTLY how miserable she is and just what she thinks of us for torturing her like this, she'll suddenly stop, swing her head around like a drunk mime to look up at me (almost falling over backward at the same time, of course), and when she's certain I've got the full effect of her tear-stained red cheeks, purple swollen eyes, snotty nose, and trembling mouth, she'll give me the bravest little happy grin she can muster. Like she's saying, "You're such a trooper, Mom! Hang in there! You know this isn't really me!"

And then that saps the reserves, and she slips right back into being miserable.

I wish I could just take the sick right out of her. It breaks my heart to see her so miserable. She's usually so active and laughing; she'd gotten to the point where she just on the verge of crawling even. But now she only has enough energy to protest her every 4-hour torture sessions, and then she's out until the next one.

The doc says things will probably get worse over the weekend, then start to get better. Yippee! At least it's over the weekend, so Kipp and I can take turns staying up at night with her.

ha!!! I make myself laugh.

I mean, it's not like he wouldn't. But the thing is, he's been through RSV with babies twice before, and he's just not panicked enough to sit by the crib and analyze every gurgle and burble for possible signs of imminent snot drowning. And also, Mommy's still her most favoritist person -- now that she's sick, even more so -- and as he point out, she screams when I'm giving her her treatment, but I'm able to calm her down within seconds of ending the treatment.

Kipp, on the other hand, wipes her nose, and she's inconsolable until Mommy sweeps her up. And not just fussy, but honest to God screaming herself hoarse.

I am honestly going to have to get therapy or something. Everything that happens seems to me to be incontrovertible proof that I am the worst mother in the world (well, not the worst. I mean I haven't actually killed my child.) And Kipp is getting frustrated that I won't listen to him, but that I'll listen to anybody and everybody else, which if that is true, sucks donkey balls because I so completely know what that's like, and I have no reason to be treating him like that, especially since he's got experience in this stuff, hello.

Which I think may be part of the problem. I think I resent that he has experience and I'm such an utter newbie. He's so calm, and I freak out over absolutely everything. And I get pissed that instead of speaking to me in calm tones and stroking my hair and treating me like a scared baby -- which, hello, is what I am -- he gets frustrated with me and goes into lecture mode. Gah.

So if I do do the other thing, it's probably a passive-aggressive retributional response to him not being patient with me.

Honest to God, I think we could make some couples' therapist very very happy.

Wow what a negative post, all in all. I think I need an attitude adjustment. Or sleep. Or booze. Or cigarettes.

Yeh. We quit smoking last week. We haven't smoked allllll year long. Hahaha. I make myself laugh.

Yup. It's the nicotine withdrawal; it's got to be.

Rounding out the week

Well, it was a busy Christmas!

As usual, we had Christmas Eve at Kipp's parents' house with the family. Kiki was not fond of the older children running around playing. Between getting over stimulated and her stranger anxiety -- well, darn it, Mommy and Daddy were the only ones allowed to hold her all night.

Still, she made her appearances, all decked out in her holiday dress, so Mommy was slightly mollified.

Speaking of behavior problems, our oldest is still doing the comparison sulk at Christmas. She's got to grow out of it someday, doesn't she?

Kiki's stocking was stuffed with plastic spoons with big handles and a feeding package that included a sippy cup. Soooo... at lunchtime on Christmas Day, I whipped those puppies out for a test drive.

She wields the spoon pretty darned well, I have to admit (I have video to prove it!) Granted, we have to fill the spoon for her. But once she realize I wanted her to grab for the spoon, she grabbed for it every time. She made it into her mouth most of the time, with the prerequisite stops in her hair, along her cheek, her eye, her nose, and all over the high chair. Best part is she LOVES it, so she doesn't even know she's working!

And before anyone hits me with the sippy cup controversy.... YES, I know, I've heard it from the doctors, the PT, WIC, blah blah blah, give 'em a REAL cup (with supervision), sippy cups are evil, yadda yadda yadda.

People, I have to draw a line somewhere. Here's my line. I understand that we're making progress all the time, and every decade or so we have to pooh-pooh a dozen or so tried-and-true parenting foundations and replace them with new and improved and oh-so-much-better blah blah blahs, but you know what? We did away with spankings a few decades ago, and look where it's gotten us. I'm not exactly sold on everything new; not everything new is improved.

And also, everyone I ever knew who raised children with sippy cups did not put them exclusively on sippy cups. You still get your child to try to sip out of a real cup, with supervision, as often as possible. Which she does, by the way, thank you very much. But her arms and hands are still not reaching for and grabbing and holding onto things, so I will stick to the sippy cup with handles for a little while, until she gets the knack of holding, tipping, and grasping, thank you very much.

I feel like ranting about misbehaving children and the virtue of fear in parenting, but I will put it off another day or so.

I only hope that I don't become one of those parents I complain about!

Okay... this is NOT a video of her feeding herself (I'll post it one day!), but I found this site that hosts videos and... well, we made this video of her when she was 2 months old, and haven't showed it off much. So here it is!!

Free MySpace slideshows, photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Warm Fuzzy Thoughts

Getting towards the end of the year, when New Years' resolutions are almost upon us. I admit I almost never keep my resolutions, but this time of year does at least make me introspective and self-analytical. And some things this year have been "duh" types of epiphanies, but they've made me wonder how I've managed so far in my life being so stubbornly set on so many insignificant and ultimately futile little rebellions in my own mind?

My resolution this year is to truly learn to live and let live, live moment by moment, cherish the blessings, and not to dwell on the disappointments. Heh. If you knew me, you'd be laughing your ass off right now.

I'm behind on the 8-month picture debut. I know it. I got some cuuuuute pics of her last night in her high chair though. I even wiped her mouth off for them.

The wild child has taken to rocking back and forth in her high chair while she's eating. It's a new game. Her mouth has become a moving target. Ha! Catch me if you can, Mommy!

And now she also shakes her booty while we're changing her diaper. We can't help but shake our booties with her. It reminds me of Friends, when Ross and Rachel sang "Baby Got Back" to make their baby laugh. Shaking her bare booty to get us to shake ours makes her whole face light up. You are my monkeys! she giggles at us. Dance, monkeys! Dance!

Still no teeth. There are bumps on her gums but nothing as yet is breaking through.

Ohh, an update on the fluoride thingie... someone had posted a comment about the bad effects of fluoride. Which panicked me, and I read up as much as I could find on it, and then took it up with her doctor, the hematologist when we were in KC, a friend of mine who is a dental assistant, and even more recently the geneticist. All of them were in agreement that the correct dosage of fluoride has been proven to have extremely beneficial effect on developing teeth.

And I may not have mentioned this, but the town we live in does NOT add fluoride to its drinking water. And I checked the dosage on the vitamin supplement I'm giving her. It's actually well below the "danger" dosage I've read about in articles.

The one thing that's beginning to irritate me though? I mentioned to the geneticist that Kiki's almost constantly constipated. Downs babies evidently have problems with their digestive systems anyway, and it turns out that the iron in the formulas makes it worse. So I thought, okay, I'll find a formula without iron.

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

I don't think such an animal exists. I mean it's bad enough that you almost have to go to a vitamin store to get a vitamin that doesn't have iron in it (I am horrendously sensitive to iron supplements. They make me sicker than a pregnant landlubber at sea with the stomach flu who ate bad spinach dip.), so I figured it might be challenging to find a formula without iron. But no. Not challenging. IMPOSSIBLE.

So we shall continue with the constant dosing of prune juice. And peaches. And I finally found white grape juice to make her cereal with, so hopefully that will work too. NO RICE CEREAL NEED APPLY. Jeez.

In the space of one day...

On Sunday, Kiki:

1) Sat up on her own.
2) Starting truly babbling (ba ba ba ba)
3) Recognized her daddy again and took a bottle from him

Huzzah!!!!!!

Another milestone!

Okay. Typical Sunday morning, although not completely. We had Kiki sleep with us last night so C could stay out of the girls' way and sleep in the nursery. She slept in until 8:30, which is pretty late for her. Of course, it was still practically dark because the weather is dreeeeeary today. Good thing we cleared enough of the garage out so that Kipp can park his car in there, and he won't have to unfreeze it every morning.

I digress.

Tend to the dogs, change and feed the baby, get breakfast for the kids (which is a lie -- they do that for themselves, bless them!), put the baby in her swing until I get her playpen set back up in the living room, put the baby in the pen, then take a work call, then cruise back into the living room to check on the baby because she's raising a fuss and ....

what the...

how did....

did the girls....

they say no, so...

Somehow Kiki sat up. In her playpen. By her self. And was trying to play with her block. Or was trying to get back down. Either way she'd sort of gotten too far into a corner, so her head wouldn't let her get close enough to the block or get back on her belly without hitting the mesh of the playpen and blocking her.

Hence the fussing.

But, did you catch that?

SHE SAT UP ON HER OWN.

Granted, she still sort of slumps forward when she sits unassisted, but let me reiterate. She was not on her back. She was not on her belly. She was not on all fours. She was on her butt. Technically? SITTING! POSITION! UNASSISTED!

I feel it's become necessary to set up a video camera, trained on her at all times.

Hi Santa!

Well, we had breakfast with Santa. And a more authentic looking Santa you couldn't ask for either! He talked with the group of kids there gathered for breakfast, and then he read them a story, and then he got us all to sing Rudolph, and then he went off for his day of posing.

We kind of left before that because we learned 2 things: our older kids are TOO old for Santa, and our baby is too young to wait for anything. So, no photos with Santa yet, but ah well.

Today was B's birthday, so I took her shopping for clothes after the Santa thing, and then we came home and had a family party. Her cousin is spending the night, and Kipp announced it was a girls' night, so they have exclusive play rights on the Wii, while C is upstairs doing something on his own. Which sounds sad except that C is usually pretty much happier doing his own thing anyway, and with B distracted, he has no one torturing him.

I know the stranger anxiety is a big, and actually positive step, in Kiki's development, and I tell you what, it's my first trial of patience as a parent. Luckily everyone is being very accomodating -- I was worried about my mother-in-law, but she held herself in restraint, though it was hard for her.

I've learned that if Kiki is in her car seat, her swing, her playpen, her stroller, or being held by me, she's not at all bothered by people messing with her and talking to her. It's only if someone (other than me) tries to hold her. That's when she seems to get scared and unhappy. On the plus side, she let Daddy hold her for about 20 minutes straight at the mall today! His goatee is almost back.

So the point of seeing a geneticist, apparently, is so that we have a specialist tracking her progress and medical record to ensure that all of the necessary testing is being done in a timely fashion. So far we are on track. He was also pretty impressed by her strength; first when he took her hands and moved to pull her up, and she took the initiative and pulled herself up instead. And second when she rolled over on her belly, got on all fours, and started rocking. She's such a little show off, but he was VERY impressed, so of course Kipp and I were very proud.

Oh, and I guess if she's lying down, she's okay with strangers too. Again, it's only if someone she doesn't know tries to hold her. It's all in the holding, I guess.

Well, not much more to update now. I wish I'd read up more on this stage before it hit. It makes me wonder what else is going to blindside me!

It Has A Name

It's called Stranger Anxiety. Duh. And she'd begun to show signs of it a few weeks before Thanksgiving. And at Thanksgiving, it was at its worst. She managed to finally get comfortable with Grandma and Grandpa, but it took a whiiiile.

So the concensus on the web is that you need to work through it, but not by ignoring her distress. In other words, have "strangers" (who may include the non-primary caregiver parent in extreme cases -- prepare for some self-bashing in a few minutes here) approach the baby slowly, offering toys and whatnot, but only after having been in her presence for a while. And let Mommy comfort while people approach.

It figures I've been doing it all wrong, doesn't it? It's not like my instinct wasn't to rush in, scoop her up, and calm her down, either. It's more like everyone telling me, "You've got to let her cry sometimes." And my mother-in-law, God love her, who will cling to the screaming baby and tell me with a smile, "Crying babies don't bother me at all."

And then I'm torn between wanting to comfort my baby and feeling like an idiot and feeling like a mean daughter-in-law who won't let her bond with her own granddaughter.

I'm about ready to lose hair over this. Honestly. It's like I can't trust my gut, but I have to trust my gut, and whoever decided I should be allowed to have a baby anyway? This is RIDICULOUS. I SUCK AT THIS.

I knew about stranger anxiety, in an abstract way. I had all these plans that I would socialize Kiki from Day One with all sorts of people all the time so when this stage hit, it would not be like this. But I didn't take her out enough, obviously. The best-laid plans and whatnot. And okay, everything I'm reading is telling me this is normal and natural and moreover necessary in her development of her sense of self, but it still feels like I'm fucking up somehow.

I keep apologizing to Kipp because I feel like I did this, somehow. He tells me his older kids did the same thing at Kiki's age, and that it passes, and it's okay and it's not my fault.

Still. It would KILL me if she had decided I was the stranger.

And from what I read, no more sessions like last night. Slow and patient, without alarming or distressing her. Which should make it easier for me as well, as selfish as that sounds.

Only one more day til Santa. Let's just focus on that for a bit.

Tough Parenting

I don't want to sound whiney because I know I've had it waaaaaay easier than many. many parents, but so far this year I have faced what I'd consider tough parenting moments. And it's only my first year! I mean first there was the moment when they told me my newborn baby had been taken to the NICU; then there was the moment when I tried to watch them put an IV in her head; then there was the moment she banged her head on the sofa console thingie; then there was the moment we thought she might have leukemia; and so on, and so on.

Last night was one of the toughest parenting moments for me yet. And she wasn't in any danger, and she wasn't in any pain, and in fact, there was absolutely nothing wrong at all.

Let me begin at the beginning.

Our general routine has become like this: During the weekdays, Kipp tends to give Kiki her last bottle before she goes to bed. This gives them time to play and bond with one another. It's a very, very rare night this doesn't happen. And on the weekends, he does just about every feeding except the morning feeding.

Except for the last two weeks, Kipp has been working overtime, and he's missed a lot of the weeknight feedings. Then on Friday, he got a haircut and shaved his goatee.

Now Kiki loved that goatee. She loved to snuggle with her daddy and stroke his goatee, and she loved it when he tickled her cheek with it.

Kiki hasn't been big on strangers for some time now, since she's started teething or thereabouts. She's more patient with women than with men, but even then she'll only take so much before she's done.

And suddenly, Daddy became a stranger. When he tried to give her bottle last Friday, she rebelled. We laughed it off a little then, calling her a mommy's girl, lalala, and didn't think much of it. Then on Saturday, I had to run an errand, and while I was gone, it came time for her lunch, and Daddy stepped up, as he always does on the weekends, and...

When I came home, her bottle was untouched, and while she was no longer crying, she had the hiccup-breaths that come with prolonged and strenuous crying. Kipp looked exhausted. She had been screaming the whole time I was gone.

From then on, it's been the same thing. If she's with me, she's all smiles and laughs and giggles, and she'll take her bottle or solid food no problem. If it's Daddy, she'll scream herself into a fit.

On some level I suppose it should be flattering that I'm the center of her world and all, but I don't think it's at all healthy. I mean sure she's only 7 months old, it's just a stage, whatever, but it's troubling, very troubling, to me. It just can't be good for either of us that she's so suddenly and so completely dependent on only me.

So last night, we decided to take the bull by the horns. Daddy and baby, feeding time.

It was horrible. She actually, swear to God, screamed herself blue. It took everything I had not to swoop her up and comfort her, but she wasn't being tortured, she wasn't being ignored, she wasn't hurting, she was just throwing a tantrum. Kipp kept holding her, patiently talking softly to her, bouncing her a little bit, trying to get her to take her bottle. It went on for hours and hours or at least 20 minutes before we decided it was late, she needed to eat, calm down, sleep.

So he put her down in her playpen where she settled down IMMEDIATELY. We left her to herself for about 15 minutes, then I got her and fed her. With me, again, she was like a totally different baby: cheerful, playful, happy, engaging. When I put her to bed, she rolled over and immediately went to sleep.

We're hoping it's just the goatee. It's growing back, and for the first time since I've known Kipp, I'm actually cursing the fact that he's such a slow grower of facial hair. I'm not entirely fond of facial hair in general; mind you, I think it looks great on some men, but certainly not all men, and I prefer my husband clean-shaven.

But the baby has spoken, and the baby rules the roost. The facial hair must return.

While I know this ordeal has been bad for Kipp (if the roles were reversed? I wouldn't even be getting out of bed. Rejected by my own child? I can't imagine anything worse!), I think there's some part of him that is relishing this little bit about his facial hair now becoming a mainstay.

After all, he'll say in a few weeks when I start grousing about it, it's for the baby.

How Mama Kisses Santa's Ass

Sometimes (often) (all the time) I nap in the late morning. I can usually count on a nice little 2 hour nap sometimes, just before lunch. Now, I used to sleep very lightly. I'd wake up at the sound of the kids rolling over in their beds above us.

Not any more.

Now I sleep like the DEAD. Notice the caps? Yes, I'm emphatic about that. The DEAD.

So anyway, I'm in the middle of this little snooze when the phone rings, and evidently I hear it, and evidently I answer it, and evidently it's my husband, and evidently he's telling me something very important, and evidently he finishes, and evidently I hang up, and evidently I don't wake up for a second.

Because later that night, I suddenly ping on my latest obsession. And it's an obsession because I didn't even THINK of it until GoddessKristin mentioned having taken the GoddessBaby to see Santa. PING! It's SANTA SEASON! I have a child the perfect age to prop on Santa's lap!! MUST GO!

Anyway, I suddenly chirp up with, "Hey! We need to go to the mall and get pics of Kiki and Santa! We could do that Friday since you're getting off work early anyway!" (She has an appointment with a geneticist, which is a whole other blog.)

Kipp gives me this funny look. It's kind of a cross between wanting to laugh, wanting to cry, and wanting to shake me, all at the same time. "Don't you remember me calling you?" he says, patiently.

I think about it. Really hard. "I think... you called... and... wait a second... I dreamed you won something..."

No, Victoria, it wasn't a dream. My husband won free tickets to have breakfast with Santa on Saturday morning. SCORE! And we have C & B that day too! I mean they're kind of old for Santa, although C last year... heh... I was watching tv with him, and watching his reactions at commercials, trying to determine what he might want for Christmas. I got nada. Zip. Zilch.

So I went for broke and asked him outright what he wanted for Christmas. He gives me this HAUGHTY glare and pronounces, "I still believe in Santa Claus, you know."

So you know, the kid still believes in Santa Claus. Maybe we'll get a pic of the two of them together.

Anyway, I had to do some grocery shopping today. And I have been VERY GOOD and not bought things we Do Not Need, but Kiki needs blanket sleepers, and I KNOW she's getting some for Christmas, but 2 extra won't hurt, and oh my goodness I found the cutest little furry red boots with white cuffs in JUST HER SIZE, and also? The coup de grace. A darling red shirt that proclaims "I love Santa!"

My goal is to have Santa so smitten he shuts out all the other kids, and gives my kids everything he's got.

And maybe a second helping of pancakes. Yummy!

Ironic

We've been having an ongoing argument in the household as to what constitutes irony. To annoy me further, the Mr. has taken to ending each heated debate by singing the Alannis Morrisette song that sparked the debate in the first place. Three years ago, mind you. Why it has reared its ugly head again in the past month, I will never know.

I maintain that there is nothing in "Isn't it Ironic?" that is, in fact, ironic.

The Mister insists that finding 2,000 spoons when all you need is a knife is truly and inherently ironic. He is vehement about it. It makes me want to tape a knife to his forehead.

"So tell me what IS ironic then!" he demands.

I have to think about it. I am not an ironic person, all in all. I mean I get the literary gist of irony, even if I can't quote the actual definition (which is probably unhelpful anyway, as it is most likely listed as "Irony: the state of being ironic." I hate that.)

I finally come up with Jim Fixx. It is ironic that while jogging to increase his lifespan, he dropped dead of a heart attack.

The Mister says that he could have dropped dead of a heart attack at any time, and jogging had nothing to do with it.

Sometimes I think he is purposefully stubborn just to make me crazy.

It all finally culminated this week while we were watching Heroes. He paused it in the middle, and announced he was heading to the garage for a cigarette. He waited for me to move. I did not. "Aren't you coming?" he said.

"Yes," I said. "I'm trying to move, but my super power seems to have kicked in at an inappropriate time."

He thought about this for a minute. "Your super power is super speed, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"And when it kicks in, it paralyzes you?"

"Yes."

He grins. "Now THAT is irony."

At last! The debate is over and dead. Whew!

And of course, now that it's all over, I remembered the Gift of the Magi, which is probably the icon of literary irony. But I am NOT reopening the irony debate with that one. I am not, not, not!

NOT, I tell you.

Hell, I probably will. I'm such a stinking masochist.

All's Good

So we took Kiki to KC on Thursday, and the short story is: all her blood panels were normal. Yay!!

Now I've been a big city girl my whole life, so the fact that we had to drive 4 and half hours one way to see a specialist gave me a special kind of thrill. I felt like Laura Ingalls or something. I know that sounds grossly and spectacularly ignorant, but it's true. I swear, if I had to drive 6 hours to buy some special electronic doohickey we couldn't live without, I'd be beside myself with glee. Of course, since the Internet is everywhere, and yes, Virgina, we have Best Buy here in town, that's highly unlikely, but still.

Anyway, I discovered something last night about my communication (lack thereof) with my husband.

Okay, when the doctor first contacted us to tell us Kiki's blood tests were abnormal, and referred us to the hemotologist in KC (who was awesome by the way, and Mercy Children's Hospital -- I think they should decorate adult hospitals whimsically too, honestly. As we were leaving, we actually heard a little girl saying she wasn't ready to go home yet.)

I digress. When the doc told me Kiki's white cells and lymphocytes were high, she didn't tell me in so many words what that could mean. I automatically assumed leukemia, but I didn't ask (denial? probably). And I dutifully repeated to Kipp everything she had told me, but I neglected to add my suspicion that they suspected leukemia. He even asked me what it was they were specifically testing for, what the symptoms added up to, and I told him I didn't know. I mean technically, I didn't know because again, I didn't ask.

So when we get to KC, the first thing the hemotologist asks is what Kiki's doctor had told us. I repeated all the stuff about the blood. He nodded and said, "But do you know why you're here today?"

And I replied, "I assumed it was to test for leukemia." Which he immediately confirmed.

Now I had been talking to YarnHacker the night before, and talking about the symptoms of leukemia, and how I'd been watching for them. Kipp had kind of overheard it, but then didn't follow up on it. But it turns out, the thought of leukemia had never even crossed his mind, and the night before our trip to KC was the first indication he'd gotten that it was a possibility.

So he started asking me questions about what I knew about leukemia while we were waiting for Kiki's test results. I'd never seen him look so grim and tense while he was listening, and I thought at the time that it was odd that he'd waited until the day of the tests to ask me these kinds of questions, but I just went along with it.

And I found out for the first time last night, while we were relaying the story to some friends that he didn't even know leukemia was a possibility until the hemotologist said so.

I'm not sure why I just assumed he'd make the same logical conclusion I did; I obviously have more information and experience re: the blood stuff than he does, and I should have realized that. I guess I just didn't want to say it out loud. And in fact, I was sure I'd hinted around it the first day, but he just didn't pick up on it.

I think the problem is that denial about dire things is tripping up our normally pretty clear communication channels. Going to have to watch out for that pitfall, because that could get scary ugly fast.

Well, I'm just rambling at this point. Main news: the baby is healthy! She's had her flu shot (which she hated), and she's got a slight heart murmur (nothing to be worried about), and she's healthy and happy, and God, I am so grateful for that. Thank you. Amen.

I'm a Freak

I have the weirdest baggage of fears. I mean your typical mom fears the usual, you know, that the baby may fall over and get a lump on her head, or get herself into trouble while crawling about. Get lost in a store when she's a toddler. Normal fears.

I'm afraid that 1) someone is going to legally take my baby away from me and/or 2) someone will make my baby hate me.

See? I told you I was a freak.

Of course it's too soon to tell if I'll develop the normal fears. She's neither walking nor crawling yet. The most danger she seems to pose to herself is how hard she bashes her head with her own rattle. And that doesn't get any reaction out of her at all.

NaNo Blow what?

Shit. I forgot. I didn't even sign up, and even if I had, I would have blown it on day 2. DAY 2. Gads.

No word yet from the hemotologist (or however you spell that). I finally looked him up and called him on Friday, but it was late and they had already gone home for the day. Whoever it was who answered the phone assured me that no one would be calling us to set up an appointment until Kiki's records arrived in their office. So now we wait.

I'm at least calmer. Deceptively calm, it turns out, because I had occasion to drink last night, got a little past buzzed, and started bawwwwwwwwwwling. No one likes a snotty drunk, I'll tell you what. Least of all me. My loving husband, who is always insistent on being the last to leave a party, actually dragged me out early even though I kept telling him I was FIIIIIINE, I'll stop cryyyying, look I've STOOOPPED already ..... waaaaaaaah!

Yes I went partying the weekend after getting scary news about my baby and yes I cried. Unbelievable.

But Kiki got quality time with her grandparents, and nobody loves that more than Kiki and her grandparents. Honestly, we show up, we barely get a glance and a Hi, and the baby is swoooooped up and I'm pretty sure they don't put her down, unless it's to change her diaper. She naps in their arms. I know this because I've caught them.

And she's still fine, no signs of a cold, except she still has the cough. I'm going to need to get a new humidifier tomorrow; I'm sure it will help.

And that is pretty much all the news worth reporting from this household. Today, anyway.

Blood

Isn't it appropriate that right near Halloween we get news about blooooooood? Hmm?

Okay, actually, more appropriate that I took Kiki in for a blood test on Halloween? Poor girl was so tired from me running us around all day that she had a meltdown just as we went in for them to take her blood AND I forgot her binkie in the car BECAUSE I'm such a newbie mom I make myself ill sometimes.

Results today. You know it's never good when the doctor herself makes the phone call. Her lymphocytes are high. I'm not sure what that means, but immediately what it means is that the assumption is is that she'll have have a helluva time fighting off any infection should she contract one. So the doctor is making an appointment for her in Kansas City with a pediatric hematologist, and in the meantime, I'm taking her temperature like an obsessed madwoman to make sure she doesn't run any fevers.

At least we are being proactive. And if there's anything a hematologist can do, it will be done. Just waiting now to find out when our trip to KC will take place. I've never been to KC, you know. I'm kind of excited. I've heard good things. Maybe we can con the grandparents into tagging along, and then leave them in the motel with the bebe while we go bar hopping. Score!

(she types as she tries not to break down crying for the seven hundredth time today).

I'm really trying not to meltdown about this. I'm trying. Yesterday she was evaluated by DCO to determine what stages she's at, and she's 2 months behind in communication skills and 1 month behind in socialization skills. Which had me crying off and on all day while I ran errands. And now... well.

Anyway.

You know, if I can't handle these little setbacks and these potential setbacks, how am I going to handle the big ones to come? Am I going to require a straightjacket until I come to terms with her not walking until she's 3? How the hell am I supposed to be any use at all as a mother to her if I can't get it together and fucking step up already without mewling and sniffling like a great big blubbering neverending pity party?

Obviously I need therapy. Obviously I am already on top of that. I have an appointment next week which may be pre-empted by a trip to KC. Did I mention that I'm actually looking forward to going to KC?